Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
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*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
the last thing a carrot sees
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.