@martyntanton: My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."

@SkylarTessier8: Insta before videos: hey look at my sushi ! Insta with videos: hey look at my sushi for 15 seconds !

@bransonreese: The Ugly Duckling has the best moral: “everybody has to apologize to you if you get hot”

@RoosterMustache: Assert dominance over your boss by choosing an elevator button higher than the one he picked & act like its a big deal to wait for his floor

@fkabudu: Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄