@davidkenny100: Me as the astronaut in that Martian movie:
"Day 1 I have enough food to last 459 days"
"Day 2 I now have enough food to last 170 days"
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@AndyAsAdjective: [at checkout counter] Would ya like to donate $1 to- -No But you didn't let me finish -Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth? No -Then no
@TheToddWilliams: WAITER: Would you like some more bread? SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
@Shen_the_Bird: [first day as a bartender] customer: i'd like this drink to go to the lady in the corner me: [holding it] HEY her: [looks up] me: CATCH
@better_off_dad: Wait - so Nutella isn’t Cinderella’s crazy sister?!
@JosesLovesYou: Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
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