@captainkalvis: DATE: I think marriage is sooo beautiful ME: [trying to impress her] well my wedding is tomorrow you should come

@KevinHart4real: Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush

@CollegeHumor: Apparently the Burger King account is suspended while they think of a stronger password than "horsemeat".

@Home_Halfway: "How much for this melted ghost?" Sir that's a bed sheet "You have a lot of them! And they're packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL" This is a Macys

@beefman138: Maternity. Sounds like you're going to be pregnant forever.