@shatterpants: When a waitress asks me if I want soup or salad, I always ask "who's in charge of tossing the salads here?" Then I frown & order the soup.

@hero_ofthenight: I feel like every time I go to Walmart I automatically witness the contradiction to their slogan being: 'save money, live better'

@Monilyn11: Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.

@erica_rosie: I used to wonder what it'd be like to read other people's minds. Then I got a Twitter account, and I'm over it.

@Halbeerz: After what happened to Lance Armstrong I'm kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies