Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
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I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun