If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 馃槶
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me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it鈥檚 time for me to scream
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he鈥檚 still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you鈥檙e going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Chicken bread
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Cha-ching is my safe word
[working on a car]
me: this isn鈥檛 as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Weirdos gonna weird.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I鈥檓 ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Me: I鈥檇 like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it鈥檚 closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures