Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
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mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
The three genders.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR