Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
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Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Every BBC series about the universe.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
And now we wait
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Baller is short for ballerina