In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
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Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.