Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
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starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Someone just threatened to call me later
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help