me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
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When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Diabetes was the God of sugar.