Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
You Might Also Like
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
The three genders
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?