Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
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*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.