Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
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Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Extremely relatable.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato