Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
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If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”