Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
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My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
whatcha thinkin bout
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie