Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
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Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
this is literally a CIA plant
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Planet of the Apps.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*