me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
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[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
That took me a moment.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Wednesday
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama