me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
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2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*