me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
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Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]