ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
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My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.