[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
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I just love that new Pope smell.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him