[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
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GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”