@AZHORSEMOM77: *Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
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@i_eat_fruit: COP: do you know why I pulled you over ME: knock knock COP: who’s there ME: do you know why I pulled you over COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
@peterjames48: "Dude." "Dude." "Dude." "Dude." "Dude." "Dude." "Dude." "Dude." "Dude." "Dude." "Dude." "Dude." - crickets (translated)
@HiddenPinky: Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery. Guy 2: Shame.
@jjhartinger: 1995: [goes to store, video is rented] Maybe next time 2017: [netflix takes 5 mins to load] This is a nightmare
@MomOnFire: Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
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