*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
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Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Cndnsd Mlk
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.