@mdob11: I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.

@LousyBastard: Had sex with my nephew's English teacher. Texted her the next day "Last nite was grate. Your so awsome!" so I don't have to see her again.

@drinksmcgee: I saw someone use "Terrierist" instead of "Terrorist" and I don't know whether I should be afraid of my dogs or not.

@KalvinMacleod: [adrift at sea] CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan

@robfee: The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I'm dressed as half of a horse.