Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
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It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
I am patiently waiting for your email
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
an octopus is just a wet spider
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep