@thedayofthedot: It's not really murder if you're already dead to me.

@NOTVIKING: interviewer: so why do you want to be a driver for UPS me: [thinking about the time they “accidentally” lost my package and how i’m going to “accidentally” lose one of their trucks] the benefits

@dxxnya: *in hell* satan: dude you gotta stop following me around me: I don't know anyone else here I feel awkward

@topaz_kell: Safety Tip: Always have a loaded water gun ready to go in case of a home invasion by a cat burglar.

@3sunzzz: Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural? Dumb Bob: You add S. T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us. DB: [writes] SNAIL