me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
You Might Also Like
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
2 years later
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.