Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
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CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Its a hippotatomus
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.