Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
You Might Also Like
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.