Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
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1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
u spoke cat all this time??????
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site