Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
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Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
How all things should be taught/explained.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”