Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
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MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.