me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
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My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
2 years later
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!