me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
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BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids