ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
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I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
The “baby” on the left….
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?