When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
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6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 馃檨
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
here鈥檚 the problem with fruit: it鈥檚 inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what鈥檚 the same every time? doritos
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it鈥檚 over for you benches
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Worth remembering.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Where鈥檇 he go? 馃槀馃挍
doggosbeingdoggos
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
There鈥檚 nothing creepier than the way they鈥檙e relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Imagine going to the gym and there鈥檚 someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
never deleting this app.