Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
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when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
I’ve had worse
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.