Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
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Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
There is wisdom there.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks