[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
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Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
How does one answer this?
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.