[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
You Might Also Like
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?