Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
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*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
The Compass
Not all heroes wear capes.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.