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@BoogTweets: Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
@Darlainky: There's no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
@dorsalstream: [me as a snake handler]
Hi, I'm here to put handles on all your snakes.
@blade_funner: [GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
@shutupmikeginn: I lied and told someone, "I can't go to your party I have diarrhea." I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn't stopped me
@BadMikeyBad: Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise