[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
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My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed