[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
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I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.