[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
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If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.