[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
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Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
*puts words between two asterisks*
Finally!
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy