Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
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Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Tremendous stuff
🤣🤣🤣
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.