Very problematic
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Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶