House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
You Might Also Like
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”