Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
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terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years