Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
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me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
You have been warned.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Still cracks me up
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
another case of gang violins
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way