[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
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There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
channeling her this year
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Haha good job!!