Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
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i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a